It's a weekend of anniversaries. We've spent a year under Orange Hitler, which is memorialized by his inability to keep the government open. It's also been a year since millions of women took to the streets to show their power, which is commemorated by doing it again and oh so many other ways, not the least of which is the record number of women running for office and speaking up to end societal indifference. I choose to look at how B overshadows A while pointing to an end to it. A sucks, but a B working to end the suckitude is no small thing.
It also, I just figured out, is the anniversary of the last time my son communicated with me. After lying to me for nine months, he finally admitted to me that he had dropped out of school and was doing, well, frankly nothing. It was all via text, which doesn't begin to be the most chickenshit aspect of it all. But all of that is neither here nor there at this point.
In the year that has followed, I haven't gotten a text, email, phone call nor visit. I've sent him heartfelt letters, innocuous texts and general inquiries, all without a response. People hear my sad story and try to understand what it feels like. That's appreciated. I certainly don't like talking about it, but it's necessary. I do feel the air going out of people as I do - the look on their face trying to imagine not hearing from their kid for an entire year. I can tell you that the mixture of fear, anger, guilt and sadness is overwhelming. Every single goddamn day.
While I appreciate any empathy you may have, I'm not fishing for that. More than anything, I just feel like I'm out of options, or at least out of places to put all of crushing emotion that is so pervasive. So I write this. In lieu of anything constructive. He's living with his mother in Columbus now (which honestly, feels like more than a little slap in the face. It's a three curl hop junk punch at least.) If he never wants me in his life again, I suppose that's his decision. I can go on wondering what I did that was so egregious for the rest of my days without so much as an explanation. Perhaps I even deserve it. I just want him to be happy.
People say that all the time and don't really mean it, but as a parent nothing holds more weight with me. I want him to be a partner to some one. I want him to have friends to lean on. I want him to find a way to be productive in this world and strive to make it a better place in whatever small way any of us can. It's all I've ever wanted for him honestly. If getting out of the way is what makes it possible, then I am ready to take one for the team.
But I miss my kid. I love my Siddhartha. If he needs help I hope he gets it. If he wants to be on some path I hope he gets on it. Regardless of my feelings about it, I hope he Women's March's the shit out of whatever he's going through and takes the power back to determine his own fate. It's been a shitty year. Here's hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us.